tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central January 15, 2016 2:35am-3:06am PST
(cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: all right, thanks to my panelists rory albanese, robin thede and john fetterman. before we go, i'm going to keep it 100. tonight's question is from "@harsh critic. they ask, "marry, (bleep), kill? neil de grasse tyson, bill nye, carl sagan hashtag keep it 100." (laughter) first of all, you know carl sagan is dead, right? i mean, if i don't choose the kill for him -- this is a bizarre question, guys. >> answer it! i will marry kneel de grasse tyson! (applause)
don't forget to ask me your keep it 100 questions on twitter. goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on pornhub! you know what it is. pornhub released its annual use statistics or rather shot them all over. it speaks volumes about our dreams, our hopes for the future, and what we like to crank it to. one interesting fact is that the most people watch porn at midnight, which is when this program airs, which means some of you are watching with your laptops open. and your pants down. i'm i'm told comedy central won't allow us to show full penetration [beep]. but we can sex up the show a tad
so you don't have to stare at your computers. randy, brendon, will you porn it up a bit. thank you. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] but the big trend in porn this year was a marked increase in searches having to do with moms. comedians, if mothers really are putting the "member" in "family member," i want you to give me a line from a porno starring your mom. matthew, go! >> hey, baby, how about we do it like we use to and you suck on my titties for three hours every six months. >> chris: nick. >> take your shoes off before you come inside. [laughing] [cheers and applause]
>> chris: whitney cummings. [cheers and applause] >> that's all you had to say whitney cummings come here now. >> chris: perfect. >> no, no. chris: ryan seacrest. it's time to start "@midnight." [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: welcome to "@midnight". >> does of this air? >> turn into mad max or something. [laughing] >> chris: actually based on what you're wearing i would say family double dare. i'm chris hardwick. a special show tonight. tonight's comedians are: from "band of robbers," in theaters & on-demand january 15, it's
matthew gray gubler. [cheers and applause] >> thank you, thank you. >> chris: performing at the mirage hotel and casino in las vegas april 2, it's nick swardson. [cheers and applause] >> chris: her hour special, "i'm your girlfriend," premieres january 23 on hbo. it's whitney cummings. [cheers and applause] >> chris: now it's time to find humor in the sad reality of politics-- it's "panderdome." [cheers and applause] these are some of the top political topics trending on the web today. let's get trending. new york city values. ted cruise took time from getting his lip mouse ened,
robin kelly took him to task for what cruz called new york values. >> as a life long new yorker, what are new york values, what are you getting at there? >> the rest of the country knows ex actually what new york values are. >> the pizza and the bagels. you're right, we do. >> chris: the pizza, the bagels. the italians, the jews. you know values. from the guy at any moment i ex him to say thee named valdmort. comedians, what are new york values is it. >> forgotten about it. chris: nick. >> -- anything you want! anything! >> chris: points. >> anything [beep] anything. [cheers and applause] >> [beep] >> call me derek.
hris: onto our next topic. bernie, ben and jerry! ben and jerry are putting their money where your mouth is with a new panderific flavor for their man, bernie sanders! "bernie's yearning," a combination of 90% mint ice cream covered in a 10% shell of chocolate that you have to break up and redistribute yourself [laughing] >> chris: a delicious other signal gee. for our nation's coming class war! comedians, what are some other candidate-inspired ben and jerry's flavors would you like to try? whitney. >> trump crunch. orange sherbert mixed with the tears of russian ex wives. >> chris: points. matthew. >> bengazaberry. i don't know what is in it, someone deleted the ingredients. >> chris: very well done. >> chris: on to our next topic: hillary's dab dance!
game: image: trending topics highlight hillary's dab dance! democratic candidate, hillary clinton-- seen here listening to waka flocka for the first time-- has been having a hard time trying to connect with people of color. going as far as comparing herself to your abuela, plastering rosa parks on the back of her logo, and now she's doing what she thinks is a dab! here we go. there it is. >> no. [laughing] >> oh my gosh. chris: one other time she looked that awkward when chelsea brought home a black boyfriend. the dab was decleared dead. it's over folks. how else will hillary kill off another trend. >> about ten years she ruined rod stuart's hair cut. >> chris: yes she did. points. nick. >> using snapchat but it's -- >> think you should get points.
it was a good joke. you didn't really sell it. >> okay. another razzy. [cheers and applause] >> chris: when did you get a razzy. >> i have been nominated like twelve times. [laughing] >> oh >> chris: on to our next topic: state of the union memes! one of the most puzzling invites to this week's state of the union address was the kentucky county clerk and kim davis. what is a kim davis photo shop that went viral. 90s cartoon, brunch item or a metal band. >> c, a metal band. hris: let's find out. there she is.
[laughing] >> i feel bad for her toilet. chris: that brings us to the end of "panderdome." and now it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars." [cheers and applause] ride-hailing app lyft has decided to dip its toes in the healthcare business with a new service that allows patients to arrange rides to medical appointments, which means some out-of-work actor is going to be unloading a 92-year-old woman with a broken hip into a wheelchair from the backseat of a chevy spark. >> chris: with an adorable pink mustache on front. because it's hard to imagine a less-qualified medical professional than a freelance taxi driver, today's hashtag is: #baddoctorin5words. examples: "whose blood is this anyway?" or "rides a hoverboard during surgery." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock. begin. >> you're now pregnant. want to be. >> chris: whit know. >> relax i saw house once. chris: nick. >> prostate jack with my dick. chris: matthew. >> what's all this red liquid.
chris: matthew again. >> which hole in the butt. chris: points. whitney. >> my name is ben carson. chris: points. nick. >> have a headache stray ecstasy. >> chris: whitney. >> scientology will heal your wounds. >> chris: nick. >> i have never operated this high. >> chris: math you keufrpblgts i keep the still born. i went there. i didn't come here not to go there. that's the only reason i did the show. thank you. >> chris: number one you got away with that, you're adorable and the audience loves you. number two finder keepers of course you get to keep it. >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #baddoctorin5words and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. >
congratulations to our tweet of congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday parking is hard to find. seems like everyone drives. and those who do should switch to geico because you could save hundreds on car insurance. ah, perfect. valet parking. evening, sir. hello! here's the keys. and, uh, go easy on my ride, mate. hm, wouldn't mind some of that beef wellington... to see how much you could save on car insurance, go to geico.com. ah! (car alarm sounds) it's ok! over the years, she saw mark grow up... she saw him tempted... but she never felt threatened.
until taco bell introduced $1 crunchwrap sliders - and clementine began to worry for her personal safety. but little did she know, that under her own body was a weird rubber plug. four big, full size flavors that won't break the bank. crunchwrap sliders including new spicy beefy nacho and sriracha chicken for just a buck each. only at taco bell. [sfx: bong] i'm rewarding fans with a special offer.rate super bowl 50 order a large pizza and get a second large pizza for 50 cents. 50 cents?! that's pocket change!
if only we had pockets... what? purely decorative. get a large,1-topping pizza for only 50 cents when you order any large pizza at regular menu price. add our new brookie for just $6 more. better ingredients. better pizza. better football. papa john's.com >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. now i'm excited. we have done this thing called the hashtag points. we were looking for someone to put on the stage. the time has come to reveal the pointsme finalist -dz. s. kudos to all of these kids.
"@midnight" one will compete on this stage next month. go to pointsme.tv to check out their submissions. great work you guys. it's time to play "toys 'r' upsetting." graphics department the r should be [beep] backwards. that's how kids write they're dumb. superman toys who can afford those. thankfully, we have the internet here to compile all the copyright-infringing knock-offs ready to disappoint your children, like the sense of right alliance! they represent the sense of right. who can forget that time when super guy teamed up with shrek in a race car. comedians, i'm going to show you a tragically off-brand action figure, and, for 250 points, i want you to tell me the tagline in its saturday morning commercial.
first up, from "the changeable robot collection," it's bamblebee! [laughing] >> chris: whitney the. >> buy one get chinese girl baby free. [ applause ] >> chris: matthew. >> from the new action film starting shania labarf. >> chris: love shania labarf. >> super actor. >> chris: next, every kid's favorite: super cock! >> chris: okay. if you wonder what he does. he changes com robot. whitney. >> don't neglect the balls, sold separately. [laughing] >> chris: nick. >> definitely not made in china. [laughing]
>> chris: damn it. come on. come on. >> damn it. chris: @ nickswardson on twitter. nick, nick, back from the dead it's myspace. [laughing] >> chris: mindcraft knock off. myspace. >> not fun. [laughing] >> chris: nick. >> comes with no friend requests. [laughing] >> chris: points. next up here is a classic frans tromers: dark of the moon. matthew. >> dyslexia activate. [laughing] >> chris: points. nick. >> frans tromer, you want to see
the inside of my moon. [laughing] >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> okay. chris: nick, i have to say you're more than meets the eye. whitney cummings. >> frans tromers. your children won't know the difference. you drank during your pregnancy. [ applause ] >> chris: last one. this definitely authorized hero hybrid. there he is. >> she's on a skateboard. a skateboard -- are you kidding me! super bat. >> chris: whitney. >> his parents were murdered by tony haoubg. >> chris: yes, points. matthew. >> it's a bird, it's a plane, no it's your mom's boyfriend ruining christmas. >> chris: yes, points. >> chris: that's the end of
"toys 'r' upsetting." it's time for our live challenge, "clever girl." major breakthroughs this week in the field of prehistoric erections. scientists have found new evidence that suggests dinosaurs engaged in complex mating dances. we don't know exactly what the dances looked like, but our research staff feels this is the closest a approximation. [cheers and applause] now, we know if this is true scientists suggest also cried like little babies when the toronto raptors lost. comedians, since we know that dinosaurs were sexual creatures who engaged in foreplay, let's take it one step further. i want you to give me a pick-up line that's sure to get a lusty dino into the prehistoric sack. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight"! more "@midnight"! [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break i showed you a story about dino mating dances. i asked you to write your pest prehistoric pick up line. matthew, let's start with you. >> for the love of god will somebody please jack me off. >> yes i will! [cheers and applause] >> chris: nick. >> can i just put in my tricero tip >> chris: ya. [cheers and applause] >> chris: whitney cummings. >> two in the pink, one in the extinct. [cheers and applause] >> chris: yes, well done. well done.
those were all good i will give everyone 7000 points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for "nut chuggers." there's growing health crisis in our parks, our woods and even our backyards-- fat squirrels! [laughing] >> chris: look at him! like this guy, from imgur user theinventorartist. time to lay off the acorn pizza, -- dogs, chunkster. honestly did you get a vision of a tiny bun with nuts in it. >> i keep this. chris: now due to milder winters caused by global warming, there's an excess of nuts and berries, so these fat bastards are just stuffing their faces all year long. they don't know when to quit. and the nature photographers can't seem to get enough of
these bbs's-- big, beautiful squirrels. hey you guys, real squirrels have curves. but clearly, these tubsters don't know what global warming is, so, comedians, i'm going to show you some squirrel fatties and you'll help them explain to their wives why they've been packing on the pounds. first, this hairy and homely guy whitney cummings. >> sorry, honey i love having nuts in my mouth. >> chris: next, help this chunky guy out >> sorry, i wanted to be a squirrel for halloween, sincerely chris christie. >> chris: points. [ applause ] next up. nick. >> i'm hot boxing man it's hibernation. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next, this chipper mechanic. whitney. >> if you don't like me at my worst, you don't deserve me at
my best. >> chris: yes. finally this gluttonous gray gob letter. >bler.>> i eat because i'm sad. i'm sad because i ate my entire [beep] family. >> r. credit that brings us to the end of nut chugders. nick you're this third place this. is the razzy you have never won. [cheers and applause] now before we bathe you in the appropriate award winning red light do you have acceptance words. >> i like to thank my agents who did not do their job. >> chris: red light. perfect. [cheers and applause]
>> chris: that means it's time to snuff up your lupagus-- it's "for the win!" [cheers and applause] >> chris: sesame street is making a dubai on home box office this saturday. comedian max silvestri says it all: "hbo buying sesame street is @midnight's wet dream." kwr *es it [beep] is, max. now they're moving to the home of murderous gangsters and dragon sex, i want you to give me a spoiler from the upcoming season of hbo's "sesame street." we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on "@midnight." [cheers and applause]
>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for "for the win." i'm going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe, wife. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i asked you to give me some spoilers from the upcoming season of hbo's "sesame street." let's see what you wrote. first one oscar the grass gives lena an abortion in his trashcan. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that's great. that's [beep] great. that's [beep] great. that's great. [cheers and applause] >> so good. [laughing] >> chris: or, or larry david and the count gets stuck in a elevator and they count the moles on larry davis' neck until they're convinced he has cancer. number one, who was number one,
whitney cummings. you have won the internet! we'll see you all monday night when our guests will be ron funches, rich eisen and adam savage. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #baddoctorin5words and become monday's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams, chrishardwick on snapchat. i will perform in nashville this weekend. have a great weekend. be nice everyone. and now a message from vice president-elect joe biden. ( cheers and applause ) good evening. good evening. i'm joe biden. on november 4, americans went to the polls and made an historic choice for this country. and when americans chose barack obama, they also got me-- joe biden. but now i feel some of you are disappointed. sure, it was an entertaining election,